My life has definitely been an interesting one - not too many years ago, I was born and then without any reason in my mind... given away. Time and time again, I have thought about this event in my life as being one of the hardest events to deal with. My thoughts revolving around the idea that I wasn't good enough for my biological mother, wasn't wanted by her, and most of all, wasn't loved by her.
Over the past year, and after finding someone to help me work on who I really am on the inside, on the thoughts and the questions in my life I thought I would never have answers to or be able to figure out, I am starting to believe I have had the answers within me all along - some people have the ability to use speech as a way of bringing out what is needed - to be able to talk, to converse their thoughts with others, while some people use a variety of the arts (dance, movement, visual, artistic, musical) to express what is within themselves - for me, it is in my script, in my words - words I have been writing from a young age and continue to write, even here today.
Throughout the years, there have been a lot of hurts, sorrows, and pains I have held onto and in my subconscious, I have held onto these feelings, believing somehow they were going to help me somewhere in my life. A heart-wrenching pain that has unwittingly clung to my subconscious mind is that of my abandonment. Abandoned, given away, an unwanted, unloved child - this was something that had happened to me at birth yet here, still gnawing at me, still dwelling within me negativity towards my biological mother - And then in one statement, one declaration, all of that changed. I was given these words to think about... "Are you really an unwanted, unloved child who was abandoned by her biological mother? Really? How is this so, Ola, when your biological mother gave birth to you? She brought you into this world and yes, she did relinquish her rights to you, but would she have done that to someone she did not want, did not care about and did not love? Ola, She could have had an abortion, yet she chose to give you a life instead - again yes, a life without her, yet a life all the same."
What?? How could that be right? With all that my subconscious was constantly trying to deal with and now I have thrown a reality into the mix that I had never imagined before! Well, the tears, tears and more tears I have shed from that utterance - from the belief within me that I was always an unwanted, unloved child to the awareness that I must have been loved to be here in this world now. What a thought!! What a declaration!! All of a sudden, I now have an opportunity to start seeing myself for what I really am: important, valuable, worthy, loved, and sooo cherished that my biological mother sacrificed her relationship with me to entrust another couple to take care of me.... because she knew that she could not! She gave me the greatest gift of all: LIFE itself. And she made the greatest sacrifice for it: allowing others to raise me!
The following Shared Thought ™ is all about life, family and making a choice, a decision. I have written these thoughts for years and when I look over them again, I see there are words within my words that I didn't see before now - words that are continually helping me and healing me on the inside:
why do we decide to start a family? is it because
of the need within to nurture someone and raise
this being into a fresh young adult? is it because
the choice was made before the planning? what
about the decision to seek for a being that is
perfect from the beginning. every individual
eventually makes a choice as to whether a family
becomes a reality within his/her world. the option
for a child seems to be one that is made everyday.
if only there were a way for every person to realize
that the decisions that are made come from within.
the decision to welcome a young spirit into this
world is one that every individual must consider.
by allowing each being a choice, the freedom for
young children lives on. every person has the
opportunity to decide which direction his/her life
will lead. there is only one chance for each person
to choose. this choice could change a lifestyle...
Upon re-reading this entry, I wonder how often my biological mother wanted a second chance to make another choice than what she did - would she have made a different decision? Would she have kept me? Would she have wanted to keep me? In 1995, when I finally met her, she said something I never thought I would hear. "I have always told people about you, everybody knew you existed. You were always a part of my life and I always wanted to keep you." That was, and still is, one of the most amazing things she could have ever said to me. To think she had always thought of me and told others about me was, and is, a reality I didn't surmise. So many others never have the opportunity to find, let alone meet and talk with their biological parent(s). I was very lucky to have had that chance, that one time in my life where I came together with the woman whom I thought didn't want me, didn't need me and didn't love me - when all along... she did.
Something so true for me is that she has always been a part of my life. Forever and always, I had wondered about her - what she looked like - how tall or short she was - was she fat, skinny, darker than me, lighter than me - I can't think of a time when I didn't think about my biological mother while I was growing up. There was a piece of me I felt was incomplete - a missing link to something I needed to know and I didn't have the answer to. I used to write in my journal over and over again about what she would look like or be like - all of the ideas and dreams and thoughts I would write about who she was, who maybe I was too.
While I admit that I have had many times where I have wondered about the variety that is my life, I have been writing for so many years about who I am, what I am feeling, and where my life may be going that sometimes I didn't know where I was or where I actually fit in the picture. After all of this time, and with the writing of the literature for the Believe In Me program, my life is changing, changing for the better.
Positive changes for me mean positive changes for my children and for children everywhere. When I improve myself from within, I see how beneficial it is to teach the children how to improve themselves from within now, before they are grown, before they start trying to "figure it all out." These changes must start now for the children and the Believe In Me program provides the literature to encourage and empower the children to see what is inside of themselves as they are growing, to learn to deal with the issues that may be hard yet are important enough to be dealt with as they are learning so much about life's events.
I am so thankful for what is happening in my life right now - this has been a very, very emotional and draining experience yet for what I get in return, it's all worth it!! The children to me are worth every bit of sacrifice I have to go through.
Who knew I would find this wonderful program within myself to aid all children with what hey may be feeling, may have felt or may still go through. I feel very blessed to be a part of all of the lives I am able to touch with the messages provided that I didn't have in my life for so many years!
Thank you to all of you who are so willing to make the choice, take the chance on this program - Believe In Me - for the reality is - it is all about who is inside of you!!